Dodecahedronforce
by Irken Gir
Summary: “My name is Navi. I’ve come here because the Goddesses chose you to help Link. Apparently, our Hero of Time is incompetent and needs the help of a pampered sixteen-year-old girl to defeat Ganon. Again.”
1. Sucked into Hyrule

**Disclaimer:** If I owned The Legend of Zelda, I would also create a neat computer program that would confiscate Bad Writers' fingers. Neat, no?

**Author's Note: **This was inspired by a Mary-Sue based rant I came up with, which people reacted well to. So I'm working on making it a full fic, and it is neat. Pee-Ess: I don't really know what Miyamoto's like. At all.

**Dodecahedronforce:** Sucked into Hyrule

Somewhere in Japan, a very troubled Nintendo worker scurried through the halls of Shigeru Miyamoto's manor. He could hear Miyamoto's laughter ringing through the hallways, and women's voices seemed to be the source of the Zelda creator's glee.

Finally, the disgruntled worker burst out of the house and out onto the back patio of Miyamoto's home; here Miyamoto sat by the pool, three women at his sides. "Mister Miyamoto!" the worker yelled, flailing his arms as he was known to do.

"What?" Miyamoto snapped, displeased with having been disturbed. The tittering women at his sides frowned at the intruder, pouting cutely.

"Sir, are those women…cosplayers?" Indeed they were; one was dressed as Princess Zelda, another as Malon, and the third as Flannery from the Poké mon games.

"Yes."

"Right. Anyway, Mister Miyamoto, sir—" Miyamoto cut him off.

"MIYAMOTO_-SAMA!_" he corrected, making the Nintendo worker recoil.

"I'm sorry, Miyamoto-sama. How silly of me to forget; you only created the Zelda Empire," the worker said, bowing his head in respect.

"Yes. Yes I did. Continue."

The women tittered again, cooing at Miyamoto and praising his genius. "I just came from Nintendo, Miyamoto-sama. It turns out that a few thousand of our game cartridges were…malfunctioning."

Miyamoto raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Yes, sir. When one begins to press the Start button on one's Nintendo64, the cartridge and the system react to open up a rift to Hyrule."

The cosplayers all giggled and scoffed at this idea, but Miyamoto pondered over this for a moment. "Eh. We have their money already. Who cares if there are a few thousand kids getting killed off in Hyrule? Don't bother with a recall."

The women agreed with this statement joyously.

* * *

Meanwhile, miles and time zones away, Kyran began to pound on the button of her Nintendo64 rapidly, whining about how she had seen the startup screen for _The Ocarina of Time _countless times before.

"God damnit!" she shouted. Still, the television and game system refused to speed up the process. Frustrated, Kyran brushed some of her golden-blonde hair from her shimmering blue eyes. Her hair fell unbound down her back in soft waves to her waist, but she pulled it up into a high ponytail. Her natural highlights mixed nicely with the rest of her shining locks.

"Motherfucker!" she continued, pounding ever harder on the poor controller. Suddenly, the screen froze up and went black. "Oh, balls," she said, pouting prettily. Of course, Kyran ignored the fact that Nintendo64s had been out for a good number of years, and it wasn't uncommon for the older ones to freeze up occasionally.

Still, she spouted obscenities at the inanimate object, disregarding how silly this really was; not that her Nintendo cared much—the hatred was mutual. As if to answer her pleas to work again, a glowing ball of blue light popped up on the previously all-black screen. "Hey!" it shouted.

"Oh-Ehm-Gee! Doubleyou-Tee-Eff?" Kyran interjected, flailing her arms in a comical manner. "What the fuck are you, and why are you talking to me?" she demanded.

"My name is Navi, the fairy." Kyran opened her mouth to speak, but had to shut it again (albeit with a mental note to hurt the bitch fairy once she got the chance) when Navi continued: "I've come here because the Goddesses chose you to help Link. Apparently, our Hero of Time is incompetent and needs the help of a pampered sixteen-year-old girl to defeat Ganon. Again."

"Really?" Kyran squealed. Navi just jingled as she floated away. In her place, there was a swirling vortex of red and black light; Kyran tried to escape this swirling tunnel, but it managed to suck her into the television.

The tunnel contracted and heaved as it tried to expel her through its other side, and her body slid easily over its warm, lubricated sides. After a while, the tunnel opened, and Kyran fell to the ground with a _Pttttthhhhhhhbbbbbbttttttt _sound to accompany her.

Upon landing, she looked around: the sky was dark red, the clouds were black, and there were spirals in the sky. She stood in a large, sloping field, and she could see a castle to the north. A stream gurgled by to her immediate right. "OH MY GAWD! I'm in Hyrule!" she announced.

As if by impulse, she looked down at the back of her left hand. A golden triangle, the point facing her, glowed in her skin. "OH MY GAWD! I'm the holder of the fourth piece of the Triforce! SQUEE!"


	2. Link is Sad

**Author's Notes:** I'm not going to bother with disclaimers anymore, and Author's Notes will pertain mostly to things I wanted to point out, either within the text itself, or about the process of writing—that's relevant, mind.

**Dodecahedronforce:** Link is Sad

All throughout the Lost Woods, fairies and sprites floated gaily through the air, and Kokiri played silly children's games that a grown person would have lost interest in within the first few minutes.

However, despite all of this merrymaking, Link, the Hero of Time, could only look upon his old friends with a lump in his throat and a sigh on his lips. "Sigh not so," William Shakespeare would have told him, if William Shakespeare did, indeed, know Link and of his woes. But he did not know Link, so Link had the freedom to sigh so as he pleased.

The Hero of Time parted with the child race of the Kokiri, his hair falling into his eyes. A few tear drops rolled slowly down his cheeks, probably because his eyes were irritated at having his hair in them so often. But, one could argue, Link was also crying because he was sad.

"Navi," he started, sitting on the lone, empty stump in the Lost Woods Meadow. "I am sad."

The fairy floated out from under his cap, where she had been picking lint for her collection. "Why are you sad, Link?"

Link let out a heart-breaking sigh. "Navi, I am sad because I have no arms." He paused for a moment, then he continued to explain exactly why he was sad: "My father-figure lied to me and told me that I would never grow up, but I had to go through puberty twice. People assume I'm either stupid because I have a big sword, or weak minded near women because I have a big … sword. My best friend and princess is being captured by the same evil force over and over again, and I'm the only one who can save her—or, I should say him, because Zelda is transgendered and is planning on undergoing a series of magical procedures that will let her inhabit Sheik's body permanently. My evil twin likes to throw cucco eggs at my house. But I can deal with all of _those _things. I am mostly sad because I have no arms."

Navi considered this carefully. True, Link's arms had been eaten off by Ganon in one of their last encounters, but it seemed queer to pout about this. It took a few minutes for her to concisely articulate her thoughts: "Link. Shut up."

* * *

Hours after Kyran had been spat out by the loathsome Sky Vagina, the tunnel that had transported her from her Nintendo64 to Hyrule, the illustrious teenager found herself at the gates of Hyrule Castle Market. She wandered about, listening to some people chatting about things she couldn't care less about (really, crops and how Wolfos had been getting at the cuccos, thus eliminating some family's means of income completely? Who _did _care?), and looking at jewelry. Naturally, none of it was brilliant enough for her, so she didn't bother buying any.

But once she tore herself away from the prospect of a shopping spree, Kyran turned to face the north of the market. There stood the castle, in all of its glory. Of course, having had a mother to read her bedtime stories (well, she DID have a mother to do such things, but she died most horribly.), Kyran knew that beautiful princesses lived in castles. Or, if the castle was without an heir, she had a chance at winning herself some good real estate in this new world. She wasn't exactly sure how that would work, but she was determined to rule Hyrule with an iron-bracelet-clad-wrist. Or fist; either one worked for her.

Thus, Kyran skipped merrily on her way to meet Zelda and perhaps send her away from Hyrule by besting her in a duel of wits. The guards, of course, were no problem: they were all too entranced by her clothing and marvelous beauty to stop her. Her shirt was a light blue, with a black and red star on the chest; the sleeves were short, and the body hugged her curvaceous body. Along with that, she wore hip-hugging jeans with patches sewn on, which included various Feminist slogans, band names and logos, and some reassurance that she was, indeed, Sexy and Foxy.

Her golden locks fell around her face just as she reached the side door. She recognized the crawlspace that fed the moat: Link had to crawl through in the games to meet with Zelda. But Kyran decided she would rather not get wet in her good clothing, and sat down to wait and pout 'til someone came 'round to help her.

This wasn't a long wait. "You!"

Kyran stood up and turned around, startled. "Me?" she inquired, spotting a tall man with no arms. She recoiled.

"Who are you, and where do you come from?" he asked. Kyran understood every word he said, even though she didn't speak Hylian.

"I am Kyran. I came here from … a place far away from here, spat out by the sky itself. I've come to help the Hero of Time, who is incompetent and loses at life," she announced, puffing out her chest proudly.

"That's me," drawled the pouting man. "I have no arms. I am sad." He let out a long, heavy sigh and started to walk off in the direction of the Market Town. "Come with me; I'll help you find a sword."

At those words, Kyran's eyes flashed bright red, as if they were reflecting the deep, fiery anger burning deeply in her soul; those eyes contained flames which danced in their own passion, and expressed what her words could not. "Excuse me?" she shrieked. She stomped in front of Link, who just met her gaze with his own dreamy expression. "I don't need _you _to buy me weaponry! I can go out and find money for my_self! _I'm an independent woman, and I throw my hands up at Beyoncé! I don't need _any _man holding me back, _or _any man making sexist jokes!"

Link just met her eyes with his own, which were glazed over as he thought about how good a cook the scientist at the lakeside house was. He did wondrous things to tektite, and Link fancied some tektite legs dipped in butter would be good.

"But, then again…" Kyran started, tracing the lines of muscle in Link's chest. "You are pretty hot for a guy with no arms."

"Thank you, I suppose," Link drawled, continuing on his pouting, sad way. He certainly did lose at life.

* * *

Link and Kyran arrived in the Bazaar not too long after their conversation about Beyoncé and throwing one's hands up at her. Link didn't understand this, and Kyran blamed his sword.

The perfect girl stepped into the Bazaar, looking over the weapons upon the walls. There were different style of swords, but most were either two-handed or broad swords, and most were not very aesthetically pleasing. "Hmph," she started, putting her hands on her hips. "I hope you have hotter swords than this in the back."

The large man behind the counter scoffed at how she dressed; it was unattractive, and he supposed she must have been a whore to dress as she did. "Eh? Oh, yeah. Right in the back, through there," he said, pointing half-heartedly through a doorway that had a ragged sheet of cotton covering it.

Kyran let out a loud gasp. "I will _not _sleep with you!" she spat, her eyes burning hotly once again. They flashed several colours this time: red, orange, tangerine, fuchsia, aquamarine, and a nice blend of salmon pink and a robin's egg blue. "You disgusting pig!"

Link wandered in at that point, sighed a pouting sigh, and examined some of the swords. O, how he longed to wield a sword again, to go galloping atop Epona and wave it in the morning sun, and to watch the light reflect off the blade as he sparred with Sheik. Or Zelda; she went by either name anymore.

"Link!" Kyran squealed, tugging him over by the empty sleeve of his tunic. A tear rolled down Link's cheek as he saw the material crumple in her fist. "You tell him exactly why he's a gross, disgusting pig, and cut off his hand for me!" she demanded, pointing a manicured finger at the hairy man.

Link's gaze met the Bazaar owner's, and the bigger man sighed; Link's woe was rather contagious. "I'm sorry, if I've said anything wrong. Here, Link, choose a sword, and you may have it for free."

Kyran let out a shriek of giddiness, and bounced away to grab a sword with a beautifully decorated hilt and scabbard. It was set with the most brilliant of diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, moon stones, and opals. "This! I want this one!"

"That one? Sorry, Miss, but that one's too heavy to be used properly in a fight. It's just for show—"

"Excuse me?" Kyran snapped, picking up the sword. "I can have any sword I want." The man behind the counter just shrugged it off and went back to his business. Link said nothing, but agreed to himself that that particular sword would be too heavy to use in a fight. He didn't so much as hint this to Kyran ever, mostly because he was too woeful to remember. Kyran drew the sword, waving it around a few times. Despite the obvious weight disadvantage, and the fact the blade wasn't designed to be balanced, Kyran was able to master complex techniques within moments.

"You're very talented, Miss," the Bazaar owner commented; he didn't look up from his book, though. It was a romance, and the heroine was just getting to kiss her love interest. It was a very emotional moment.

"Well, of course. I took fencing for a few days in my summer camp back home," she explained, seeming to disregard the fact that fencing was completely different from the style used with broad swords.

"Yes. Well, let's go; I can take you to see Hyrule, because it's … pretty to look at," Link said, kicking at the dust on the floor.

"Oh my God, really? You'll do that?" Kyran yelled, throwing her arms around Link.

"Yes. I'll take you to Lake Hylia, and we can swim and agitate the old scientist," Link said, rubbing his face against Kyran's shoulder. This sign of affection made her giggle; but Link didn't hear, as he was busy scratching his nose on the material of her shirt.


	3. ZOMG Zelda!

**Author's Note:** And here we have the obligatory scenes at Lake Hylia and with Princess Zelda.

**Dodecahedronforce:** ZOMG Zelda!

Lake Hylia was beautiful. The water was clean and clear, and the sun bore down on it all day, warming it to pleasant temperatures even on a chilly day. Tektites resided on the surface, but they didn't bother with passersby very often. They were more keen on basking in the sun and catching fishes that came too close.

There weren't too many fish in the main body of water, and those fish that did live there were found closer to the bottom of the lake. The bridges over the islands swayed and creaked softly in the breeze, and a few birds chirped atop the old tree on the island that housed the Water Temple.

A few Zora children splashed around the recently defrosted entrance to the Domain, laughing and trying to catch some Rupees that had drifted into the Lake from an unknown feed. The scarecrows chatted quietly to themselves about traveling and music, occasionally commenting about how nice it was to have the Zora swimming near their small field once more on such a fine day.

Any Hylian would have been content to set down a blanket near the water's edge and watch the Zora, enjoy the sun, and perhaps eat a packed lunch, but this was not good enough for an Earth girl.

"OH MY GOD, LINK!" Kyran squealed, taking in the sight. "WE HAVE TO GO SWIMMING!"

Link said nothing, but he nearly smiled when the warm breeze carried the fresh scent of the lake to his nose. Nearly.

But then he remembered he was supposed to be sad because he had no arms. That meant he couldn't swim. Kyran didn't seem to remember this, however; she was stripping off her clothing as she ran towards the lake. She laughed and dove in, pleased tremendously with how the water felt against her skin; it was very warm, like the water she used to bathe.

Kyran ran her fingers through her hair when she surfaced, then turned around to face Link. "Come on in! The water's wonderful!"

Link pouted and moved to sit next to the water. "I have no arms. I cannot swim."

"Oh, what_ever,_" Kyran snapped. She went back to swimming around the lake, completely content. Link just watched her and sobbed, his misery at a peak.

"I can't swim," he mumbled to himself. The Zora children heard his pitiful weeping, and they left the water to approach him.

"Hey, mister!" one called. "What's the matter?"

"I have no arms," Link said, and he wiggled the stumps where his arms used to be to prove this.

"Gee, mister, that's a bummer," the other one said.

"Can I touch your stumps, mister?" Link nodded quietly and held out his stumps for the Zora children. They both moved closer to him and started to poke and prod at those stumps, feeling the scarred flesh and the protruding bone.

"What happened?" one asked.

"Ganon ate them off," Link said, sighing deeply.

"Ganon?" The Zora children looked at each other. "You mean the big green guy with the huge nose?"

"That's him," Link drawled, shifting.

"Aww, how come, mister? Did ya say somethin' to piss him off?"

"Watch your language," Link said. "No; I'm the Hero of Time. That's why he ate off my arms." Another teardrop rolled down his face.

The two Zoras looked at each other, then began to laugh. "Really, mister? My dad said the Hero of Time was a hip guy. You're just a lame-o," the taller boy said, holding his sides and laughing harder.

"Yeah," the other one agreed. "You lose at life!" With that, the two boys ran off, laughing and talking about how they would tell their fathers about this lame-o they met at the lake who lost at life.

Link sobbed harder. "Even _children _say I lose at life!" he wailed.

"What the hell are you whining about?" Kyran snapped. Link looked up and saw her standing in front of him, her hands on her hips and her pretty mouth pulled down in a frown.

"Kyran, I am sad." Kyran rolled her eyes.

"Whatever," she said.

"I am sad because I have no arms, so I cannot swim," Link explained, sighing and pouting. "Ganon ate them off the last time I saw him, so I only have stumps to wiggle. I can't swim with stumps. And my fairy spends all of her time collecting lint from my hat."

Navi, hearing Link mention her, floated out from under his hat. Kyran recognized her immediately. "OH my GAWD. You're that bitch fairy that interrupted me!" she exclaimed, thrusting out her hand to swat at her. "I'm gonna KILL YOU!"

Navi just jingled and floated higher, out of Kyran's reach. Unable to get at the fairy and make her pay for interrupting her, Kyran snorted in distaste ad turned back to Link. "You wanna hear something to complain about? My father took away my allowance because I spent more than I was supposed to. Chyeah; only a few thousand dollars on clothes and a new car, and he grounds me. My mother died when she was crushed by a vending machine, trying to get me a candy bar when I was five. I still blame myself for that, you know. I'll never forgive that vending machine. I lost my favorite pair of earrings. My dead mother raped me and beat me when I was eleven. I hate myself and I want to die!"

When she finished, Kyran threw herself at Link, burying her face in his chest, and sobbed. Link wiggled the stumps where his arms used to be to show that he would have embraced her if he had the appendages to do so.

"Oh, Link!" Kyran wailed, making her something of a hypocrite. "My life isn't easy at ALL! Only your warm embrace can keep me from locking myself in my bedroom to sing along to Evanescence and slit my wrists with a broken CD!"

And then Kyran noticed that Link had nothing with which he could embrace her. She cried harder.

Link had no experience in comforting other people, as he was usually the one being comforted. Many people took pity on how much he lost at life and would try to cheer him up by dancing or something equally as silly. The rest just pointed and laughed, or pointed and asked their mother what was wrong with him.

"I'll take you to see Sheik, I suppose. He'll know what to do," Link said, staring dreamily off into the distance.

Kyran perked up at this. "Really? Sheik? He's so HAWT!" she squealed. "Let's go!"

* * *

Whispers followed Link down the corridors of the Castle. 

"He loses at life so _hard,_" one maid whispered. "Why's he traveling with a tavern whore?" asked another. "You fancy that canker blossom gets cold wearing so little clothing?" a third pondered.

But these musings fell on deaf ears; Kyran was plotting a way to get Sheik away from the crowd and take him to have some fun. Since Sheik had arms, it would be much easier for him to play horseshoe with. She loved that game dearly. And then when they were done romping about the courtyard tossing horseshoes around, they could go find a nice, quiet part of the garden and make sweet, pollen-covered love.

After passing a few more offended maids, Link and Kyran came upon the throne room. There, in the throne, sat Zelda. But Zelda was not adorned beautifully in a dress of the finest silk, nor a crown fitted with the rarest gems known in the kingdom, nor delicate gloves which hid her creamy skin up to her upper arms.

Zelda was dressed in Sheik's clothing. "Hi, Zelda," Link drawled, sighing and pouting. Zelda, once thought to be a lesbian, was really straight, since she was a boy on the inside. This meant, either way, she wouldn't love him. Not that he loved her, though, because he didn't; her breasts were funny looking even before the transition began.

"Link," Zelda replied, her voice deeper than normal, but a little squeaky. It reminded Link of how he sounded when his voice began to deepen when he was a teenager. "Who's the broad?"

"You stupid bitch! I'm not some plaything for fucking bull dykes! YOU SENT LINK OUT TO SAVE THE WORLD WHEN HE WAS ONLY TEN YEARS OLD, AND YOU EXPECT HIM TO LOVE YOU? YOU THINK HE LIKES YOU? YOU'RE WRONG! HE HATES YOU! YOU'RE STUPID! I HOPE YOU DIE—oh…hey, where'd you get that cute necklace?"

Link pouted and began to wander off aimlessly, perhaps to go bother one of the more temperamental stallions in the stable. Then it would trample him to death, and he would be happy again. Maybe.

"This? Link gave it to me after I helped him defeat Ganon."

This set Kyran off again, and her eyes glowed a radioactive lime. "YOU STUPID SLUTHOR! I BET YOU THINK HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE THAT NECKLACE! I BET YOU LOVE HIM AND WANT TO FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT, DON'T YOU, YOU FUCKING DYKE?"

"Err, no, actually. I wear this necklace because it's actually rather neat; I don't love Link as anything more than a friend. I'm transgendered, you see, so I believe that I was meant to be a man, but was born in a woman's body. I do like girls, but not because I'm a lesbian," Zelda explained calmly.

"Oh, wow, how do you keep your nails so neat? I have to get mine manicured every three days," Kyran said, gripping Zelda's hands and examining her slender, well-kept fingers. "And they're so shiny, too…"

"Thank you; I have Impa take care of them for me. I've been a nail biter since I was small, so she keeps them groomed for me so I'm not constantly nibbling them down to nubs," Zelda said, a little amused—if not distraught by the yelling—at how quickly Kyran could change her mind about a person.

"Oh mah gawd; we totally need to go shopping together!" Kyran announced, squealing joyfully.

"Oh…I suppose I have some free time," Zelda mused.

"GREAT!" With that, Kyran grabbed Zelda and pulled her along out of the castle, completely abandoning Link, who was currently face-down in a puddle.


End file.
